mostly nonfiction and bakersfield news | July 3rd, 2009
Hey chingpea, ‘Is It Cheating If I’m With Someone, But Thinking Of Another?’
I’ve been emotionally torn lately. I’m in a fresh, new relationship and I’m happy but I find myself still daydreaming about my ex. Does that mean I’m not over her yet? I don’t know if we ever really had closure. We’re still friends. She’s actually still my best friend, but things just didn’t work out for us and that’s okay. We’ve accepted that.
How do you get closure if you’re still friends? Does closure really help on ending the romantic part of relationship? Will it stop me from remembering that former significant other? If I’m in a relationship and I still think of a past relationship, is that cheating?
I was with my ex for 4 years. I’ve been with my current love for almost 2 and we’re living together. I just find myself still thinking about my ex.
Sighing,
Drew A.
Delano, CA
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Dear Drew,
Hey man, LET GO! If you’ve been with your “new” lady for almost 2 years now, you should already be emotionally free of the “ex.” Sounds to me like you never got over her. It’s cool you’re still friends and all, but does that really help you move on romantically? Don’t you find yourself wondering, “Why didn’t we work out?” or “Is there still a chance we can reconcile?” Not healthy. I bet you even find yourself comparing ladies to your ex.
Run, Drew. Run!
I don’t think it there will ever be closure as long as your friends. Don’t get me wrong, it’s OK if people break up and can still be friends, but if one is still romantically inclined, it’s heartbreak and disaster waiting to happen.
Is it cheating? That’s on your conscience. Do you find yourself comparing your current love to your ex? Do you think of your ex when you’re making love to your current? Then yes, you’re already emotionally cheating. You’re just a few steps away from the physical. Quit lying to yourself and to your current squeeze. “Man up” and be honest. You really shouldn’t be in a relationship when you can’t give yourself 100 percent.
Enjoy the current soundtrack of your love life: “She’s Out Of My Life” – Michael Jackson; ”Sex With My Ex” – Ne-Yo; “Thinkin’ Bout My Ex” – Janet Jackson; “At This Moment” – Billy Vera; “One More Night” – Phil Collins; “Shattered Dreams” – Johnny Hates Jazz.
Work it out,
chingpea
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HOW TO CONTACT ‘HEY, CHINGPEA’:
FaceBakersfield is a great place, so I thought it might be fun to start a “Hey, chingpea…” column.
Girlfriends, guyfriends, co-workers, and family ocassionally ask for opinions on topics. They don’t always like what I have to say. But often that’s just because they can’t handle honesty. Know what I mean? So why not share my honesty with you. You can take it, right? Think Cosmogirl, Dear Abby….
Questions can be directed to chingpea@facebakersfield.com. Put “Hey, chingpea” in the subject line. Let’s get it started!
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CHINGPEA is a writer and sports lover who has a special love for classic 1980s 49ers rebroadcasts. She resides in Bakersfield, California and has contributed to the latest Phaze anthology, “39 and Still Holding.” Her advice is sought after by corporate geeks and advice addicts just like you. She’s also provides local commentary at www.twitter.com/chingpea
15 Responses for “Hey chingpea, ‘Is It Cheating If I’m With Someone, But Thinking Of Another?’”
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I don’t think there’s anything wrong with fondly remembering the past. The past makes us who we are: good memories and bad. But being fixated on remembering a certain girl is being stuck in the past. I don’t think that’s cheating and horrible. Just means the guy is confused and needs to work out what he wants. Sometimes the “grass is always greener” issues are just self doubt with the present. But then again, isn’t it OK to fantasize, chingpea? Aren’t you always thinking about The Rock? hahaha…
Drew, if you are questioning “is it cheating” then IT’S CHEATING. I agree with Nick’s comments that fond memories should be cherished, however don’t sabotage your current relationship .
Best wishes to you.
Ok first of all you said you have been with your current LOVE for 2 years and your living together but your not over your ex that tells me you DON’T love your current girl becuase you can’t really love some one your with when YOU clearly want to be with your ex. You need to man up break up with this girl now and try again with the ex if she will even give you a chance. To me you are cheating emontional and physcaily cuase I belive you some times think of the ex while in bed with the current. Your not thinking of a Halle Berry or J-Lo your thinking of some one that you can see and maybe even hug the next day. The truth is you alredy know what you want to do but your afriad to leave your girl now cuase if it doesn’t work out with the ex then this girl won’t want you back and then all you have left is Rosie and her 5 sisters
Johnny Guillen gives it straight… Whoah. Rosie sounds hot, bro.
It sounds like this guy needs to do some deep soul searching – and regardless of his current relationship he needs to get over the past. Maybe he needs to be single to do that, and to figure out why he can’t be fully present in his current relationship. So, he probably shouldn’t be with any woman until he sorts his own business out.
It’s been more than six months…. Sounds like emotional cheating to me! Nothing wrong with daydreaming and fantasizing though, especially when you’re with someone and thinking of someone else… as long as you don’t act on it.
She will never leave your side lol
My opinion in general, not necessarily towards this person, but overall: It’s one thing to have memories but to think about your X all of the time and even take it as far as talking about it on a regular basis to whomever (especially new person in their life) is just truely sad. Obviously if somebody is still talking about their ex (years later) they still have feelings for them, not exactly sure what feelings (each situtaion is different) but come on…. I have had a lot of things happen to me in the past and I don’t dwell or constantly think about them. Some people just CAN’T move on.
theres a song I’m thinking of… If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Rickey how can you say love the one your with. That’s not even fair to the heart girl and your self that BS to say that.
These are all great comments and suggestions. I’m sure Drew appreciates all of it… he really should… there people just can’t let the past go and that’s ashame…
Nick: i don’t always think of Dwayne Johnson… there’s Johnny Depp, Michael Jordan, Keanu Reeves…. it really depends on my mood… but definitely never an ex. ha ha ha..
Connie, Hayley & JLO: I agree. If you have to question yourself and wonder if you’re cheating… you’re cheating.
Johnny: Right on! But who the heck is Rosie?!
Nina: I totally agree with you.
Rickey: You’re funny… Problem with the whole love the one you’re with is you’re never truly satisfied.
Chingpea I’ll let Nick tell you later lol.
Hey Johnny, Thanks. Nick told me… (blush).
What? Chingpea didn’t know who Rosie was? Ha ha.
Drew – If you ain’t doing you’re ex, you ain’t cheating.
I wonder if Drew’s girlfriend knows he’s fantasizing about his bestie?